Stuff I Read On Craigslist

Where Out-Of-Work Investment Bankers End Up

I'm guessing this homeless guy used to be an executive at Lehman Brothers or something.

Dear Homeless Guy At Cupertino Whole Foods

Date: 2009-12-13, 2:38PM

So homeless guy at Whole Foods Cupertino, there you were overweight, with food stains running down your shirt holding a sign saying you were hungry. I gave 50 cents because that is all I had on me. You complained that you could not buy anything at Whole Foods with that and chucked the money into the street. These poor money management skills are probably why you are in the situation you are in. Do you understand the art of panhandling? Smalls amounts of change can add up to descent change overtime. You SUCK!

Original URL: http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sby/rnr/1508583434.html

Kids Join the Darndest Cults!

I'm sure this person's concerns are totally unfounded.  This is probably just phase two of the Mormon plot to take over America via the Boy Scouts.

Is there a cult in Felton?

Date: 2009-12-04, 8:43PM

Anybody seen anything strange going on around Rosebloom Ave. in Felton? There is this really crusty creepy old hunchback man who always has a bunch of young brainwashed looking younger people on the road doing work and playing with chainsaws..they all have a very vacant look in their eyes like they are being controlled by him. I think they all live with him. He's really really creepy. Just wondering if anybody knows what's going on because they all look pretty disturbed and that crusty man looks like he needs to be taken away in a straight jacket.

Original URL: http://sfbay.craigslist.org/scz/rnr/1495693313.html

ABC Was Just Trying to Protect Heterosexuals From Adam Lambert. DUH!

This is exactly the kind of thing networks were trying to protect people from when they started canceling Adam Lambert's TV appearances after the AMAs ...

Weird dream?

Date: 2009-12-03, 7:18PM

What do you suppose it means if your boyfriend says in his sleep "You're not trying to convert me into being bi are you?" I know dreams are strange but they usually seem to have some truth somewhere.... think I should tell him or keep it quiet?

Original URL: http://sfbay.craigslist.org/pen/rnr/1494067518.html

"The Exciting Voyage Of Poverty"

In the words of Quintus Arrius (Ben-Hur, 1959), "You are all condemned men. We keep you alive to serve this ship. So row well, and live." 

In the words of Craig Newmark, "Crooks are early adopters."

Re. Freelance Article Writing

Date: 2009-11-23, 11:21AM

This piece examines the phenomena of impudent Craigslist advertisements and their negative impact on the writing profession. Extensively researched on Wikipedia and chock full of citations, the report serves as a guide to those embarking on the exciting voyage of poverty. Soon you too will be able to earn enough money to afford a steerage ticket on the professional Titanic (1) known as Freelance Article Writing.

As a Freelance Article Writer you may be expected to sign “work for hire” agreements, and possibly an NDA, which is a writing industry acronym for “Never desire anything.” You will be far happier without the burden of exclusive copyrights or being able to afford large mortgage payments on swanky homes paid for by galley slaves such as yourselves. (2)

Row well, and live! (3)

Obviously your pay will vary dependent on your skill and your willingness to submit to further mistreatment and humiliation. In the event that you can follow simple directions (Battle speed/attack speed/ramming speed) grab yourself an oar and start rowing in the exciting career of Freelance Article Writing!

(1)    Titanic, 1997. James Cameron, Director

(2)    Origin of the term “Galley proofs.”

(3)    Ben-Hur: A Tale of the Christ, 1959. William Wyler, Director

Location: Writing/Editing Jobs
Compensation: Galley Slave Wages
Original URL: http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/wrg/1478862251.html

This Is The Last Straw! Now I'm SURE the Economy is Hosed

If only we'd listened to John Maynard Keynes and followed his list of the order in which corporations should be bailed out:

1. Financial firms
2. Tea producers (he was British, after all)
3. Office stationery manufacturers
4. Automotive giants

See where we fucked up?  If we'd given those billions in taxpayer-funded, low-interest loans to 3M before Detroit we'd never have gotten into this mess.  Now we have to deal with the consequences, as outlined in Keynes's list of the order in which bad shit will go down following economic collapse:

1. Housing market decline
2. Large-scale unemployment
3. Increase in crime rates
4. Adhesive note shortage
5. Humanity resorts to cannibalism
6. Jeb Bush elected President

You're Killin Me..Postits

Date: 2009-11-25, 3:02PM

I use the Junior Pocket Daytimer and I like to keep a few 2" by 3" postits in the back for giving out phone numbers, etc.

Recently they were not at Staples or Office Depot. I called 3M and was informed that they had quit making them and had none left in stock.

Any body know of a mom and pop stationary store with any of these still on the shelves.

I have searched the net to no avail.

Original URL: http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/rnr/1482439419.html

Daddy's Little Girl Is Fed Up

I completely understand this woman's frustration:

Dear Dad: No. More. Forwarded. Messages.

Date: 2009-11-23, 9:54PM

Dear Dad,

Kindly stop sending me these stupid forwarded emails. Take me off the list. I only want to see forwarded messages if they're funny. And I mean hilarious, not just kind of humorous. No seriously, it's gonna have to be as funny as an old man's balls hanging out of his jogging shorts or an apple up somebody's ass to amuse me. No politics, God, or messages of inspiration, please.

Thanks! Love you!

Jen

Original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/rnr/1479831486.html

Getting Off On The Wrong Foot

For the record, I don't believe one word of this, but the author gets points for creativity:

Is athlete's foot the same as genital herpes?

Date: 2009-11-17, 1:09PM

I got some kind of AF, at the gym, I suppose, and I CAN'T GET RID OF IT. Is it possible to get rid of this or do I have it for life? It's been a couple of years, at least, and I have tried the sprays, always dry shoes and socks, etc.

I want a girlfriend and I can't get one in this condition. I thought I had a possibility with a girl from craigslist. She was going to spend the night at my house but seeing the bag must have changed her mind. It made sense to me, so I got ready for bed and put a plastic bag over the foot with the AF; taped it up around my ankle. I was only thinking of her and didn't want any unprotected, toe to toe contact. I figured, better safe than sorry. When I finished my shower and walked in the bathroom with one bare foot and one bagged foot, she looked at me and asked what I was doing. I explained and she seemed cool with it, said she needed to go to the bathroom, and the next thing I heard was a loud noise. I got out of bed to see what caused the noise and I discovered it was the slamming of the front door. When I opened it and looked outside, she was peeling out from her parking space in front of my house. Tires screaming, smoke filling the street, neighbors turning on their porch lights.

I would like to call her but I'm not sure what to say. I think she might think she made a mistake in being interested in me.

Are there any free AF clinics around? Maybe they can offer me some kind of help. Maybe a group of us with AF can get together and talk.

Or maybe I could find a female that already has AF? Tall, thin, around early forties, and, of course, with AF.

Original URL: http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/rnr/1470482398.html

Ben & Jerry, Here's One For You

There's a new flavor in this post somewhere; I just know it! Too bad Fossil Fuel's already taken:

NEED a CROCK or ALIGATOR

Date: 2009-11-12, 4:28PM
We need a crock or gator costume either whole thing or just parts, the head is the part needed most for an EXTRA large man. He's 80 years old and wants to wear it for his icecream eating contest., for a non-profit organization. Please email if you can help us find something. [xxxxxxx@live.com]

Location: Phoenix
Original URL: http://phoenix.craigslist.org/cph/wan/1463415372.html

Hello, Life? This Person Misses You

No more wire hangers Iceberg lettuce!

too much iceburg lettuce at subway

Date: 2009-10-27, 5:19PM

Are these people trained to put alot of lettuce on the sandwhiches cause it's cheap and it takes up alot of space leaving little room for the goodstuff? When I order I say ,very light on the lettuce , please. Yet they still put too much on there and I invariably have to ask to remove a portion of said lettuce! My life is horrible because of this . Perhaps I should ask for no lettuce and substitute it with bacon! Now that's sticking it to the man. Oh yeah and all you veal eating pedovores are sick bastards. Getting off on eating child animals... you sicken me!

Original URL: http://portland.craigslist.org/mlt/rnr/1440636703.html

I Think I Know Who Killed Jenny

I apologize in advance to all Jenny Schecter fans; I'm just the messenger:

ALL JENNIFERS NEED TO DIE (Dead Jennifer Land)

Date: 2009-10-22, 3:52PM

Fuck You , Jennifer, It's on now. I'm gonna punch every Jennifer I know in the face!

No one cares what you think, especially since you can't think in anything but ALLCAPS and your opinion is stupid. Do the world a favor and just kill yourself now. No one cares about momma's boys, fuck them, there's just too damn many Jennifers. They all need to die, that includes: Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Hudson, Jennifer Connolly, especially Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Love Hewitt, etc and of of course you, Jennifer ...

• Location: Dead Jennifer Land
Original URL: http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/nva/rnr/1433154551.html