Stuff I Read On Craigslist

Your Love Is (Not) Better Than Ice Cream

If you REALLY want to bear his children, you could always settle for chocolate-vanilla swirl.

ice cream

Date: 2009-12-05, 10:13PM

you had a dog that was some kind of large rescue nervous dog but I pet him anyway and he really responded to me, and i of course have a small boutique pure bred. i held the freezer door for you and asked you directly with eye contact 'want some ice cream?' that one moonlit night at our local neighborhood corner store. you responded 'oh yeah!' with exuberance and a sparkle in your eye that gave me false hope and a quickening of my heart beat ; i saw our worlds collide, me undergoing hours of unnecessary labor to bring forth your beautiful bearded hipster children, and you living for the moments that you could lose yourself in the sensitivity and the guarded passion of my large innocent eyes; our gaze lingered for half of a half of a second and the universe held its breath as you reached for your.....
vanilla...
and i reached for my new york super fudge chunk.

it will never work.

Original URL: http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/mis/1497144521.html

Craiglist Rule #47b

Don't drop acid before posting.

you left a clump of your hair

Date: 2009-11-30, 9:50PM

under your pillow and tommorow there'll be another clump of your hair in you hands. What have you done? You have turned into a dog and now I have your fleas !
Help me ! Please. That doggy will NOT get me, NO NO NO !!!!!

Original URL: http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/mis/1489381030.html

In Case You Haven't Kissed Enough Frogs ...

I won't post the pic that accompanied this post, but, take my word for it, Dwight Schrute is a catch — with a capital Brad Pitt — in comparison.

looking for my lost princess - m4w

Date: 2009-11-24, 10:26PM

I saw you standing in line at the Walmart on Nolensville Pike. I checked out your items that you were buying...celery, pork and beans, dove anti-aging body wash, and a big bag of special kitty cat food. I think I may be in love with you. I was too scared to talk to you, but when you reached i your purse to pay for your goodies, I smelled your hair. It smelled like cherries with a dark hint of blueberry and cedar wood. If you are reading this, don't be scared. In the words of Mariah Carey, "Love takes time to heal when you're hurting so much". Write back.

Location: Nashville, TN
Original URL: http://nashville.craigslist.org/mis/1481428824.html

Starklutz At Starbucks

For their first date, will she introduce him to her lawyer?

I Spilled Coffee on Your Baby! - m4w

Date: 2009-11-21, 1:09PM

Hello there!

This is a total shot in the dark, but I am the gentleman that accidentally spilled about a half a cup of coffee onto your baby’s head and face at a Starbucks last Friday. Let me start by saying that I’m very sorry for that blunder. I’m also sorry for when I tried to dab at the spill with a napkin and ended up spilling the rest of my coffee on his head. I hope he’s ok… (Jesus Christ is his name? or were you just yelling that as a curse?) Anyhoo, I found you to be very attractive and later at my house, I couldn’t help but to notice that there wasn’t that “wedding ring mark” in my forehead even though you punched me pretty square in the face. Are you single? I’d love to get together sometime if you’re interested in meeting a really nice guy. Maybe we could do coffee or something. In case you still don’t remember, I was the man wearing the blue shirt that said, “Who Farted?” Anyways, that’s about it. I hope Jesus Christ finds the necessary skin graft donors soon. Take care and I hope to hear from you soon.

Thanks!

Tom

Location: Los Angeles
Original URL: http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/mis/1476548644.html

Irresponsible Dog Owner Gets Chewed Out

Hit Bite and run in the bay area:

Your dog bit me, and it's my fault?!!!! - m4w

Date: 2009-11-15, 6:27PM

I was walking back from the grocery store Sunday night. It was cold and I was wearing the hood up on my sweatshirt. You were running your dog, and when you cut in front of me crossing Scott, your dog lunged at me and took a bite at my hip...

And the kicker? The only thing you can think to do is look at me and tell me it's because of my hood? WTF is wrong with you? Not even a whisper of an apology or inquiry to whether I was okay? You just tell me it's my fault and run off? Just so you know...I'm fine. I just have a bruise shaped like a set of dog teeth for the next week.

I wish you all the best with your full and conscious life.

Original URL: http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/mis/1467747591.html

I Know What You Did In The Airport

The case of the "cold evil" commuter:

You ran over my foot with your rollerbag - m4w

Date: 2009-11-15, 9:29PM

And when I said, "ouch," you told me to "move it or lose it," and called me a pansy. Something about the pout of your lips as they formed the word "pansy" will haunt me to my dying day. Granted, the indiscriminate wreckage you deal out with your murderous rollerbag (remember the old lady you checked into the garbage can, and the little kid whose Elmo backpack you dropped kick into the waiting-area seats?) betokens a certain disrespect for the rest of humanity. But I could tolerate your cold evil if I could just watch you swish your hips that way as you walk down the hallway in our little love nest.

I know, I know, it seems farfetched. But admit it -- didn't you feel the slightest twinge of want, of desire, beneath the waves of contempt? Don't you think there's a chance that you didn't just accidentally run over my foot, that instead it was meant to be, or perhaps at some deep, subconscious level, you were hoping to meet me and make me your rollerbag b**ch?

Tell me there's a chance, evil rollerbag girl. Give me some kind of sign. Except another broken toe. Because the one is swollen up like a vienna sausage, and I'm going to have a devil of a time on the Metro tomorrow.

Location: Reagan Airport
Original URL: http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/mis/1467750097.html

Way Smarter Than A 5th Grader

I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've seen the word "addled" in a CL post:

the girl who could name all the states - m4w

Date: 2009-10-21, 12:41AM

You said you could name all the states, and I took your word for it even though you stopped at Colorado, because you looked like the sort of girl who really could name all the states. I don't know what to think about the fact that you started listing them in alphabetical order. If somebody asked me to name the states, I would probably start with Delaware, or Texas, or something like that, and then would lose interest and start talking about something I read in the newspaper. But I am addled, or so they tell me, and you are meticulous, or so it seemed, and also I think you are much more interested in geography than I am. Anyway I think I would like to hear you finish your list. I don't need to know all those names, but I still really appreciate your precision.

Original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/1430792855.html

Is That 'Number One' On No. 1?

Yeah, this really happens:

pee'ing on atm's last friday - m4w

Date: 2009-09-29, 3:08AM

i mentioned to a friend i had the urge to pee in an alley. you recommended i pee on the atm at rainbo instead. how about we have a beer and a smoke sometime. 

Original URL: http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/mis/1397636667.html

Scream XII

A whole other kind of horror show:

Your husband chased me away - m4w

Date: 2009-09-29, 4:03PM

You: the hot piece at victoria secret with a real asshole for a husband. Me: the guy wearing blue jeans and a black t-shirt. 

You were walking into the changing room to try on some underwear and I just thought you needed a hand with some things in there, so I walked in and you started screaming. by the time I sat down , your husband showed up and chased me out. I think he thought I was there to clean the place. Whatever, I took my pants off ! anyhow you and I really clicked so maybe we could try it again without your husband. ...

P.S. I'm sorry about the smell, It's my mouth. 

Original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/1398476589.html

You, In The Cemetery ... Come Here Often?

Dear Beautiful Woman: Don't write back to this guy!

walking in the cemetery today at lunch - m4w

Date: 2009-09-28, 1:52PM
The beautiful woman in the cemetery at lunchtime today. I would love to have talked to you more. I hope your going to be there everyday, I would love to walk/talk to you more............. 
 
Original URL: http://boston.craigslist.org/nwb/mis/1396526935.html